Mamalicious in the City

I’ve been neglecting the blog again.  Oh well.  So today I intended to link to a Cookie Magazine article about divorce, but I can’t find it on the website. 

I am sheepishly admitting to being a new subscriber to Cookie – a magazine which bills itself as the “Stylish Parenting Magazine for the New Mom.”  I have to say, it is a bit of pure genius to market a magazine to the moms who are just too hip for Parenting, and yet not so comfortable with nursing a five year old (not that there is anything wrong with that) that they want to read Mothering. 

I like Mothering, actually, but how many articles about the family bed and the evils of hospital births can I read?  Not that articles like 101 Craft Projects for Paper Towel Rolls (a la Parenting) are so thrilling either, mind you!  With Cookie, I get to read about India Hicks and her attractive children and home, and get advice from (patron saint of hip mamas everywhere) Gwyneth’s personal trainer.  Hmm.  Well, it’s only for a year.

Anyway.  The Cookie article was written by a women who is recently divorced, and how surprised she is that her kids are, gasp, okay.  It turns out her kids’ experiences have been very different from her own experience as a kid of divorced parents, which was horrific. 

My parents didn’t divorce, so my fears and anxiety weren’t or aren’t based on bad memories.  It’s more the fear of the unknown.  I fill in the blanks with worst case scenarios. 

As time goes on, however, just like the mother who wrote this article, I have to say that my kid is pretty happy.  And (maybe) more importantly, he’s able to talk about it when he isn’t.  He’s able to grieve the divorce in his own four year old way. 

Today I watched him run down the ramp to school, singing happily the entire way.  I still often feel like I have failed him, which is a tough pill to swallow, but watching him so giddy with excitement about life makes it easier, and reminds me that I shouldn’t project my feelings onto him.  It turns out he’s doing okay. 

And on a less serious note, and speaking of projecting, e’s drawings have really been coming along (ahem, see earlier entry on preschool progress report)!   I’m not sure if all of my school-related anxiety has been about overcompensating for the divorce, or just plain insanity, but I am working hard on letting it go.  In fairness to myself (and really, why not be fair to myself), I think it’s a bit difficult to know how to take a four year old’s report card progress report.  It all seems very serious and official.  But I guess I just have to take it all with a grain of salt, and remember that each day my kid runs down the ramp to his school.  He is happy.

It’s history, right? Well, I’m volunteering at Inauguration. I’ll be one of the people in red caps, pointing you towards the Mall (seriously?) and portable bathrooms. The plan, tentative plan, is that my sister will take e down to the inauguration and we’ll meet up and witness the extravaganza together. The audacity of hope, right?

Eek. Wish us luck. Send thermal underwear.

Have you guys checked out Babble.com?  A recent post describes the most common mistakes divorced parents make:

(1) Undermining Your Partner.
(2) Enlisting Your Child as Spy.
(3) Trying to Do it All Alone.

The best way to avoid any of these is to see a coparenting counselor. We did this early on, and I think it helped set the tone for our coparenting relationship. Even if communication breaks down, we do not slip below our basic rules of coparenting and communication.

To the extent I struggle, it’s probably with Number 3. It’s not that I don’t have help, but I sometimes try to take on quite a bit at one time. This bit in the piece, in particular, is important to keep in mind:

Raising a child does, indeed, take a village. To make sure your emotional needs are met (not to mention getting some time away), it’s critically important for you to have suitable co-caregivers. Remember that a rested, healthy parent is a good parent.