Jul
We’ve had some issues with…hitting…recently. And by we, of course, I mean e, and the target of the hitting has been me. I thought I had nipped it in the bud, but then after a swimming class gone awry, e went nuts in the locker room and walloped and kicked me. I mean, walloped.
I was really angry in the midst of it, not to mention absolutely humiliated, since the entire episode was in front of a whole group of other moms and kids.
Afterwards I spent quite a while feeling sorry for myself and wondering where the hell I went wrong. I don’t hit my kid. I don’t run around throwing things when I get angry. I am careful to discipline him. It’s not like he has never heard the word no. So where did I go wrong?
Did I blow it the first time he hit me? He did it a couple of times and the first time I was pissed. Maybe that just fueled the fires. It’s hard to keep your cool when your kid is hitting you.
Well, I think I’m ready for the next stage of grief. I wallowed in self pity for long enough, am ready to skip bargaining and head right for acceptance. My kid needs to learn anger management. I can’t sit around feeling sorry for myself. I need to suck it up and teach him.
Today we had a long talk about what anger feels like and what to do with it. I’ve talked with him generally about alternatives to hitting and stomping, and had encouraged him to go in his room if he wanted to stomp around or hit a pillow. But maybe that doesn’t really address the anger?
I found this article after he and I talked, and I was relieved to read that I am on the right path here (I need all the validation I can get at this point). We have to identify what anger is:
It may seem obvious to adults, but a young child needs to learn that anger is the name she can attach to certain feelings and the physical sensations that come with anger: a pounding heart, heavy breathing, and a feeling of getting warm. You can help your child in the heat of the moment by acknowledging and naming the emotion: “I can see that you are angry right now.”
Here, of course, is the troubling and uncertain part:
If this type of behavior is brief, it may be a response to a major change in the family, such as a new baby or a move. Or it may be the first sign of a “touchpoint,” a time when a child slips back into old, outgrown behaviors just as she’s about to blossom in new ways. When this behavior persists and interferes with relationships with family or friends, it is time to consider more serious possible causes: ongoing threats to a child’s safety, deeper tensions in the family, a developmental delay in language that leads to frustration, or a delay in social skills that brings on fighting or depression.
I am hopeful that this aggression is related to the move and other changes in e’s life. School ended for the summer. We’re moving and expanding our family to include an extra adult and two dogs. So, lots of changes.
On the other hand, his teachers have mentioned that he has a tough time letting things go. So it’s disconcerting to me that what was crying over small things has now progressed to hitting. I don’t want hitting his mother to become hitting other people.
So, in the moment, what do I teach e to do? The article suggests the following:
1. Stop. Separate your kid. Question. What the heck do you do in a swim locker room when you’re changing?
2. Calm down.
3. Think before you act.
4. Consider the other person’s feelings.
5. Look for possible solutions.
I should write something inspirational and positive at this point, but I can’t muster it out of feeling desperate and scared. I’m sure everything will be okay in the end though, or at least by the time we move. E is a sweet boy who always wants to do better, so that has to count for something.
